Our little love

One of the positives of not having children yet (aside from being able to nap whenever we want, go out whenever we want, consistently sleep through the night, etc., etc.) is getting to love on our sweet nieces (and nephews-though they're a bit older and don't like to snuggle quite so much anymore!). We're able to focus on them and delight in them in a way that we might not be able to if we were distracted with our own kids. I'm thankful for that and for the relationships we've been able to build with all of our nieces and nephews during these child-free days. 


Tonight, Don's family came over and we got to celebrate with one of our nieces, Lucy, for her first Halloween. We love our little Lucy Lu, Lucy Girl, Lu Lu, Loopy, L, Sweetie Pie (you get the picture) so much. Sometimes I even swing by the nursery at church just to get a peek at her and possibly steal a little kiss on her sweet cheeks!


Here she is, starting the night out very stoically. Taking it all in...

Warming up... the baby doll is helping.

And she's off!

Hmm... Twix bar or baby doll? 

Happily sitting in the candy bowl...

Sweet little baby! We love you!!

Well Said...

I've been a bad blogger lately... mostly it's busyness- teaching, coaching, responsibilities at home and at church. Some of it though is due to the heaviness of the wait. Yes, we're close, closer than we've ever been, and yet somehow it's become so unreal to us over these long months that I can't imagine our phone ever ringing with that 703 area code that tells us it's our referral. We're number 1 on the list for an infant boy, the call could come any day, but there is still a genuine fear that it will never come. 


Someone shared this on our agency's yahoo group, and I thought it was so beautifully articulated. I know many people who have walked and are walking very painful journeys, but I don't know many at all that have walked the particular one that we are on. Sometimes it's helpful to hear from someone who has:

"The English language lacks the words to mourn an absence. For the loss of a parent, grandparent, spouse, child or friend, we have all manner of words and phrases, some helpful, some not. Still we are conditioned to say something, even if it is only "I'm sorry for your loss." But for an absence, for someone who was never there at all, we are wordless to capture that particular emptiness. For those who deeply want children and are denied them, those missing babies hover like silent ephemeral shadows over their lives. Who can describe the feel of a tiny hand that is never held?" - Laura Bush

All Things Fall

I love this time of year! Right now we're enjoying football games, Honeycrisp apples, pulling out warm blankets, starting up the fireplace, and of course, fall decorating (though that's more me than Don!).

On Deck

The "good news" finally arrived today in the form of an email saying that we are officially "On Deck" to get our referral. We are so excited and so thankful for the encouragement as there really hasn't been any good news for us in the past 9 months. Seriously. 


The dark cloud that has been looming over us has parted just a little and light is shining through! There may actually be a baby for us in Ethiopia, and we may actually see his face soon!


Technically, being "On Deck" means that you're close. The referral could come at any time, most likely within 1-3 months. They let you know you are "On Deck" so that they can verify your request again, check to make sure they know how to contact you when the referral comes, and let you know what expenses will be due at the time of the referral. 


So, all that to say, it should happen within the next 3 months- though we're hoping for much sooner! Like, tomorrow would be nice.  

Waiting for Good News...

I decided after my last post that I wasn't going to post anything until we heard something GOOD. I felt weary of continuing to share the same information: more delays, more waiting, it's hard, we're doing okay. Some days/weeks/months are better than others. That pretty much sums up the last 22 months of this adoption process.


I had no idea when I made that decision that a very long time would go by without hearing anything GOOD. 


We're unofficially 3rd on the list with our agency for an infant boy, and we've been there for almost two months. We're just close enough to the top that there is a glimmer of hope that the referral could come any day (remember that four referral day several months back?), but we also know that being number 3 could still mean 6 more months of waiting for a referral, and then many more months of waiting for a court date.


So, we wait, and pray, and daily surrender it to the Lord to do as He sees fit for his glory and for our ultimate good. 


I read this recently from C.H. Spurgeon and it was used by God to help me take my eyes away from myself and to look to the preciousness of Jesus. I hope it is an encouragement to you as well.  

True have His promises been; not one has failed. I have often doubted Him, for that I blush; He has never failed me, in this I must rejoice. His promises have been yea and amen. I do but speak the testimony of every believer in Christ, though I put it thus personally to make it the more forcible. I bear witness that never servant had such a Master as I have; never brother had such a Kinsman as He has been to me; never spouse had such a Husband as Christ has been to my soul; never sinner a better Saviour; never soldier a better Captain; never mourner a better Comforter than Christ hath been to my spirit. I want none beside Him. In life, He is my life; and in death, He shall be the death of death; in poverty, Christ is my riches; in sickness, He makes my bed; in darkness, He is my Star; and in brightness, He is my Sun. By faith I understand that the blessed Son of God redeemed my soul with His own heart’s blood; and by sweet experience I know that He raised me up from the pit of dark despair, and set my feet on the rock. He died for me. This is the root of every satisfaction I have. He put all my transgressions away. He cleansed me with His precious blood; He covered me with His perfect righteousness; He wrapped me up in His own virtues. He has promised to keep me, while I abide in this world, from its temptations and snares; and when I depart from this world, He has already prepared for me a mansion in the Heaven of unfading bliss, and a crown of everlasting joy that shall never, never fade away. 

8 Years and a Mini Vacation

On July 26, we celebrated 8 years of marriage. The previous weekend we went on a mini-vacation to Michigan. We stayed in Saugatuck for one night and Traverse City for three nights. We had a GREAT time (despite the fact that it came on the heels of our big disappointment). 


Our hotel in Saugatuck. I spent most of my summers during high school and college working at various places in Saugatuck, so it was fun to come back now as a "tourist". 

Pumpernickles in Saugatuck still has the BEST cinnamon rolls ever. And doesn't Instagram make them look even sweeter?! 

We stayed right in downtown Traverse City, and it was so fun to be able to walk to the shops, restaurants, beaches, and river (guess who liked going to the river?). 

Here Don is fly fishing in the river. There were a few people who stopped and watched him fish for close to 30 minutes- it was so funny!

On Friday night, there were two different bands playing in the streets. One played Jazz music and the other did cover songs. There were also lots of stands and vendors out in the streets, which was really fun. 

Another fun experience on this trip was wine tasting. We went to 2 Lads, and the view was spectacular (overlooking Lake Michigan). 

One of the days we went to Leland, and it was such a cute town. We had lunch, walked around the shops, and of course, got some advice from the local fishermen. 

This was my meal one of our nights out. I'm only including it to prove that my tastes haven't changed much in the past twenty-five years. I'm still waiting to become the type of woman who chooses to order a salad instead of loaded cheese fries. 

Thankful for the 8 years of marriage God has given us (could say more on that), and thankful for our little getaway. And thankful that even in the midst of sadness and hard times, God gives so much joy as well. 

Two Weeks Ago

Exactly two weeks ago we saw the faces of two sweet little baby boys that we thought could possibly be ours. Through a strange set of circumstances, we received an email from a different adoption agency letting us know that they had 7 mos. old twin boys that were available for adoption and no families that were "paper" ready- meaning there were no families within their program that had completed their home studies. It was an unusual situation for them as an agency, but they remembered that we had contacted them earlier and had expressed a desire for twins. They asked if we'd be interested in receiving the information on the boys and possibly moving forward. Of course we said, "Yes!"

I could detail all of the things that happened over the next days, but most of that doesn't matter... what does matter is that we instantly fell in love with these little guys (even though we were TRYING to guard our hearts) and they ended up going to another family. 

I think the hardest part (aside from having their sweet little faces etched into our memories) was also that this potential referral felt like the answer to all of our prayers- or at least to the prayers from the past 21 months we've been in this process. After all of the delays and setbacks, it felt like somehow we were getting everything we had hoped and prayed for. And then it was all gone. The previous week when we were notified that the timeframe with our agency had extended again, I thought we were at the bottom... but through this we learned that there was still deeper to go. 

Within the first few days of finding out that we would not be getting the boys, Don typed up some of what we felt God was doing through all of this, and I'm included it here so you can see as well.  

• “Does God really have something better for us?” Yes and no. From a human standpoint, I’m not sure that God has something better for us. From the world’s perspective, God does not always give us the best possible life. He does not cause every detail to work out perfectly from a human standpoint. (If that were the case, we would be billionaires, living in Hawaii with six perfect children). But from God’s perspective, I do believe that he has something better for us. He desires to give us more of himself, more fruitfulness, more freedom from sin, more fellowship with Christ, more holiness, faith, joy, and love, more likeness to Christ, more closeness with him. God will give us the best possible life in this sense, which is the best possible life indeed! He knew that getting those twin boys would not be the best for us in this way, and his love wouldn’t allow it.
• “Why even go through this? What’s the point?” This has already had a purifying effect upon us. It has caused us to draw near to God and to want to center our lives more fully upon him. How silly to devote our lives to any other center. I believe that this is one of the primary reasons why this happened. This is one more little hammer blow that is meant to break through our selfish, dull hearts. God is preparing us for more of himself.
• Disappointments like this make us look forward to the day when all disappointments come to an end. When Jesus appears, all disappointments will be gone forever. This cursed world will be transformed into a world of continual, non-stop blessing. Bring it on, baby. Our eyes are now a bit more focused on that day.
• We have been reminded that we cannot interpret God’s love for us based on our circumstances. We must interpret God’s attitude toward us based on the cross. God was willing to crush his only Son for us. He gave his Son over to death so that we could be his. God does love us, and his love was shown in the most full and extravagant way on the cross. We have been reminded that our eyes need to stay fixed on the cross.

Thank you again to so many of you who have been praying for us. I wasn't able to post about any of this (or anything else) earlier because the wound was still too fresh. Since many of you are following our story though, I decided to share it as this is now part of our story. 


I so want to be able to post good news soon, and I thank all of you for walking this long road with us and for loving us so well through this journey! 

Plotting for our Joy

This has been helpful to me in recent days... 

“Life is a winding and troubled road. Switchback after switchback. And the point of biblical stories is to help us feel in our bones not just know in our heads, that God is for us in all of these strange turns.

The life of the godly is not a straight line to glory. It’s more like a dark and seemingly unknown trail through the mountains. There are rockslides and slippery curves, and hairpin turns that make you go backward in order to go forward.

But along this hazardous twisted road that doesn’t let you see very far ahead, and may even make you feel like you’ve been lead to the edge of the cliff, God gives us encouragement and hope that all the perplexing turns in our lives are going somewhere good.

Often when we think God is farthest from us, and has even turned against us, the truth is, that he is laying a foundation for greater happiness in our lives. God is plotting for our joy. He is plotting the course and managing the troubles with far reaching purposes for our good and for the glory of Jesus Christ."

From John Piper's book, A Sweet and Bitter Providence

God Knows

Yesterday we got an email saying that the wait times for infant boys have increased again, and the wait is now 10-16 months. We are four days away from being at 10 months... and definitely part of the group that gets to the end only to have the end move further away from us (it was 4-6 months when we first sent in our dossier, at 6 months we were told 6-8 months, and at 8 months we were told 7-10, and now 10-16).


Reading something like this after all of these months (and years) knocks the wind right out of you. I felt like I couldn't breathe for a few moments, and I was barely able to compose myself enough to be able to call Don and tell him the update. 


It's hard. Really, really hard. And I don't even want to talk about it anymore. The pain and disappointment run deep and contain many complicated layers that I wouldn't be able to explain anyway.


But God was gracious to remind me today through many tears that He knows, He understands, and He is near. 

He never withdraws himself from his afflicted. He is their help, truly, effectually, constantly; he is present or near them, close at their side and ready to provide help... he is more present than friend or relative can be, yea, more nearly present than even the trouble itself.- Spurgeon on Psalm 46

Thank you to so many of you who have stood by us in prayer throughout these many months. It looks like it could still be a long road, and we appreciate your continued prayers. 


  

Summer Fun in Pictures

Here are some of the things that have been occupying my time this summer:


Redecorating our house by finding new purposes for old items. Here's one example... this "J" has been laying around for awhile. I've tried it in the bathroom, thought about it for the nursery, and finally moved it above the stove. 

Trying new recipes. My goal is one new recipe a week. This week was Caprese Chicken... it turned out great!

Gardening. Love, love, LOVE gardening... just realized it this summer! So fun. I've planted or transplanted at least 40 different perennials, bushes, or trees this summer. Seriously... 40, and I've loved every minute of it!

We re-landscaped the entire front of the house, including edging, laying sod, mulching, and doing all of the plantings. 

I've been sprucing up our furniture. Here is a glider I picked up at a resale shop last summer- I finally spray painted it, and it looks great!

These are some benches that were at the house when we bought it. The wood was loose, so I nailed them back together nice and tight and spray painted them red. So cute!

You can see in the backyard we also edged here and planted grass (Don edged, I mulched and planted the grass- it's coming in slow, but it's getting there!). Most of this whole area was dirt before. 

I've been reading this parenting book, and it's knocking my socks off! Seriously. I don't think I've read even one chapter without a few tears falling... it talks about "dazzling your kids with the love of Jesus", but you can't read it without being "dazzled" by this love yourself! Highly, highly recommend!

Definitely thought I'd be chasing a little one around this summer, but as it turns out, God has given me this time for some much needed rest, enjoyment, and time with Him.  It has been a gift, and I've loved every minute of it!